I had this group of friends that I held dear to my heart, they are funny, spontaneous, and just a very good time. We had commonality in having young children the same age. We hung out frequently, discussing the everyday life of potty training, pre-school and discipline. There is a part of me that felt different, though. I always feel different. I don’t have the same gauge for friendship that they have. I’ve moved so many times that I don’t have any one location to call “home”.
I am a loner of sorts. Not that I like to be alone, but that I am more of an independent thinker; I don’t have a mainstream means about me. I know it comes from growing up with 4 siblings, moving so much that my friendships never lasted long, and navigating the abuse I endured by my parents. I used to believe I had to tell everyone my story so that they would understand that I was different. I would tell my story so that in understanding I hoped they would help to steer me in the right direction. Not many did. The ones that did, I clung to.
I was desperate for that type of mentoring. But friendships fade, people move on for reasons that aren’t always clear to me. The loss of these friends at such a late stage in my life where I felt settled and comfortable was not only shocking, but painful. This isn’t the first time I’ve lost friendships, but the ones I lost in my younger years were very clear as to the reasons why. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, so I analyzed it knowing that the variable is me. What is it about me? Am I too loud? Do I drink too much? Was it mentioning the possibility of divorce? In the end, what matters is that I look not to them, but in myself. Because if I am asking myself these questions, then my walk in faith cannot be the one intended for me. If my walk were more certain, then the loss of these friends would be a cleansing of people that aren’t walking with me. Since that isn’t the case and I am questioning my questionable behavior, I can only look inward and upward.
So I go back to what I know, my Bible. I don’t look at just what it says about what kind of friend I should be and look for, but what kind of person I should be. I read this: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”-John 15:13 and I thought, well, sure, I do that! And it’s evident in me. So I read this: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Proverbs 17:17. Well, that’s me, too! So I plod on: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11. Well, hmmm…”build each other up…” not so much. How am I building these women up with my drinking and talk of my failing marriage? It’s not that my difficulties in my marriage are not allowable, but how can I go around with them, drinking to excess and then thinking I can be steadfast in how I am maintaining my marriage? I can’t even say that I was maintaining my friendships!
So, here I go, failing once again at these relationships in my life. But I remind myself that I can get right back up and dust myself off. What I also remind myself is that I need to expect the same encouragement and unconditional love in return. So perhaps it’s not just me that isn’t responding in love within my friendships, but it is me that I can change. Even at this age in life.
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